I need to vent.
I don't know how many entries I've opened with those exact words but that's not important. I got a package in the mail from my high school- a picture calendar. It included pics of my graduating class. Apparently I'm invisible again. I looked through the calendar:
January- pictures of the Israel rally I didn't go to
February- assorted group pictures of my grade on our Israel trip (I'm in 2 of the 3)
March- a pic I haven't seen before. A bunch of my classmates and the year before mine all standing somewhere. They're all in winter clothes which makes me wonder if it's a recent pic.
April- pic of the guy who rejected me before prom (apparently I was "too weird" and he was looking for a trophy prom date), a pic of the Spanish class, 2 of the play I was in (I'm not in either), and one of a drama presentation
May- 2 from prom 2 years ago, one random one of the popular girls, and one of 2 guys at graduation 2 years ago
June- My class' graduation pic (given the trend I'm surprised they didn't airbrush me out...)
July- a pic of the staff
August- one of my fave teacher, one random one of some of the seniors in the class above mine, the dean and a student from the aforementioned class, a pic of 3 of the girls from the same class, and a pic of yearbook staff
September- the headmaster's nephew leading services, some class, a girl in my grade, and 2 guys in my grade studying
October- 2 popular girls in my chem class (I'm in the back if you look real carefully), 3 more popular kids at Ropes Course, 2 seniors of the 05 class, and 2 girls in my class the headmaster approved of
November- the Morrocian wedding (which I'm in), the headaster's nephew again, 2 girls from yearbok staff, and another pic I haven't seen in which a bunch of ppl are in a ice cream place. Eric has short hair and Nathan has long hair which makes me wonder if it was recent. This pic made me feel incrediby left out. It was prob taken somewhere near MSU or U of M. Since I don't go to either I'm forgotten. What turned into "I love you let's keep in touch" turned into a solitary e-mail. Meanwhile they're all out having fun together.
December- the headmaster with Sara, the headmaster with josh, josh and john together
That's, what, 3 out of 28?
My picture's not even on the COVER of the damn thing!!!!
Why did I even bother looking at it? I should've just thrown it out when I saw "Jewish Academy" on the outside. I hate this. I hate them all. Just when I forget about them or get tricked into feeling like I belong something comes along and shatters me. THIS is why I was so depressed for 4 years. THIS is why I cried so much. THIS is why I felt so out of place. THIS is why my self esteem was so fucking low!!!! Now I remember...
I'm very tempted to write a strongly worded letter to my headmaster asking him to desist sending me this shit. He always makes such a big deal of the alumni and what they've accomplished. He writes mass e-mails about so and so being Hillel prez or someone who studied in Israel but never ONCE mentioned that I'm an Adrian scholar. I think it's because a) it's me and b)it's not Jewish. If it's the latter (although I think it's a combination of both) I'd like to end my hypothetical letter to him by concluding that while I was always invisible to him and the people I was forced to go to school with, I am not invisible to my non-Jewish friends or Lutheran boyfriend so maybe I am just invisible to Jews (sure explains the situation at Hillel House) and, therefore, should stop trying to be accepted by Jews and become a full fledged Atheist instead of an optimistic Agnostic.
I'd like to see his reaction to that, especially if I told him he inspired me :)
He tried for 4 fucking years to "inspire me" to be more Jewish...bastard
There was an event for alumni today, something tells me I did the right thing skipping it